Advent reflection: dam(n)

Inspired by an Advent word-a-day prompt from some dear friends and colleagues, I have decided to take today’s word, dam(n) and do some free writing. The scripture basis is Genesis 8:13-14 although I may not reference scripture. The devotional isn’t for everyone. The version gaining traction and steam across the cyber world is profanity laced. More accurately, it’s called f*%k this sh!t. Now, if you know me, you know I am not one to shy away from profanity. With the state of the world, sometimes our cries to God are more like that than a solemn, humble “if you’re not too busy, God….”

I have felt unsettled lately. I can’t put my finger on it. I  have talked to my trusty therapist about this for several weeks. We both have been trying to figure out where this unsettledness is coming from. Is it just that time of year? Advent is my favorite liturgical season (along with Lent). I crave the idea of slowing down and waiting in the midst of the chaos of the holidays. Often, I can’t. Damn.

Is it the weather? Sometimes I wonder if I have seasonal affective disorder. I hate the longer days filled with darkness. The colder temperatures force me into clothes that keep me warm while at the same time making me feel and look bigger than I actually am. Damn.

Is it my depression and anxiety? I’ve been feeling pretty good. A combination of good meds, diet, random exercise, and therapy have kept me pretty even keel. But, the demons of depression and anxiety are always lurking not too far underneath the surface. My sleep has been off, I know that for sure. Damn.

Is the unsettledness coming from church? We are experiencing a great amount of growth. It’s been insane, really. It’s a good thing, but at times I am feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water. We are getting new faces every single Sunday. The amount of kids we have coming up for the children’s message is sometimes up around 20 (damn). But with more people come more expectations. I can only meet so many of those expectations in a day. I am bound to disappoint someone, which I hate. Damn.

Is the feeling of being unsettled coming from home? My beloved has a busy schedule and he is studying hard doing something he loves. He’s not the same kind of busy as years past, but busy nonetheless. We’re still trying to figure out how to navigate the waters of him being a full time student again. And then there is the 3 year old blonde tiny one that lives at our house. She is wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. She makes me say “damn” so many times a day. She challenges me and makes me want to tear my hair out yet I would do anything so that she never has to feel an ounce of pain or hurt. Damn.

Is this feeling coming from the greater world? The daily news is making me feel weary. My heart hurts at the news of another college campus shooting, the shooting of unarmed black citizens, the judgement and apprehension of our officers, the market, and don’t even get me started on the president elect. Damn. damn. damn. damn. damn.

I wonder if Noah felt unsettled when he finally looked out from his boat to dry land. The feeling of damn mixed with “now what?” I guess while I wait to figure out what has me unsettled, I will continue to pray, watch, wait, anticipate, and try my best to find love in the darkness of the world. Damn. This is hard.

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